honey makes everything magical

i just made the most amazing peanut butter and jelly sandwich i think i have ever made in my entire life. the proportions were just right. the flavors were nothing but the best: jif peanut butter, smuckers concord grape jelly, and nature's own honey wheat bread. expiration date: tomorrow. it was the perfect scenario. i decided to make it even better. the addition: a bit of honey. is there anything you can't add honey too and make it taste amazing?!

the aforementioned sandwich acted as my comfort food for tonight. my mint chocolate chip ice cream, if you will. while i'm on that subject.. whats the deal with all the mint chocolate stuff?.. doesn't that defeat the purpose of both.. chocolate is meant to be an enjoyably sweet candy substance. mint is meant (hehe) to be.. well, a mint.. to freshen your breath. all that good nonsense. combining the two leaves you with chocolaty minty smelly breath.. requiring you to then eat a mint, with no chocolate, to attain the fresh breath you first desired. don't get me wrong, i love chocolate and i love mint, but why can't we keep chocolate and mint in their respective places.. out of each others lives.

i digress. as i was laying in my bed attempting to tire myself with boredom, eventually resulting in sleep, i became hungry.. hungry like the hunger you get after you've just worked out. which would make sense, being that i had just worked out roughly an hour and a half prior. maybe working out at night isn't such a good idea.. it gets my blood pumping. gets my metabolism in high gear.. ready for some food.. all while my brain is ready for sleepy time. then i eat, only causing me to remain awake even longer, leading me here.

but i digress. laying in bed, i was thinking about my plans for tomorrow. go to lsu to pick up an official college transcript to send from the post office with an application for a potential job with the city of baton rouge. go to the bank to deposit a check. go to livingston parish and apply at dsfh, dshs, whs, and lohs to become a substitute teacher.

and thats when it really hit me. i am settling. i have a degree from a respected local college and i can't find employment. society told me to achieve this education and i could go places in life. good thing i am about to become a sub. that education i got means nothing at this point. i have a piece of paper that is worth about as much as the tree pulp and ink that went into producing it. i am taking a job that i could have easily gotten without 4 and a half years in college. without spending thousands of dollars, amassing thousands of dollars worth of debt.. all while working my butt off to achieve something society said would be rewarded. where's my reward?

but i have to settle. i have to obtain an income. i cant continue living off of saved paychecks from the fall. i cant continue scrounging every penny that i can lay my hands on just to sustain my life on the planet earth. money is a necessity. a necessary evil that i am now confronting face to face.

i would love to find a job that is relevant to my degree. i would love to find a job in politics because that is what i am passionate about. i majored in politics because i care about politics. i want politics to become my future, my job, my life.. as sad as that might sound. but i am again confronted with the lack of experience.. and the fact that my degree apparently means nothing to those looking to hire people like myself.

and to the realization that politics is all about who you know.. and while im not complaining about my upbringing in the slightest little bit, frankly.. i dont know anybody. i dont know anybody who matters. therefore my entry into the political realm is not as easy as it is for others. i don't have the luxury of inheriting a political family tradition.. or of inheriting an extremely well-established lobbying firm right out of college (which was the situation at my most recent job interview).

but while some may look at that adversity and see an impossible mountain to climb, i see an incredible journey. an incredible chance for me to work my butt off to achieve the goals i have set out in my life. to not be hindered by society's lack of interest in my "experience" and education.. but to overcome that adversity through hard work, dedication, perseverance, and determination. and when i have reached the top of my game, i can look back and know that i fought my hardest. i wasnt simply handed a title or fame. i earned it. and i'll be proud of that. and i'll have a better understanding.. a better comprehension.. a deeper respect for those who are in my position now.. struggling to find their way. fighting what seems to be an impossible battle.

although the journey may be long and it may difficult, we shall overcome.

honey certainly is magical, isn't it?

create a moment

i have now been school-less and job-less for one entire month. at the beginning, i didn't really notice how much free time i had.. all the holiday festivities were going on with christmas and new years, plus graduation and the crazy excursion to boston.. so my first truly "free" week was last week and i enjoyed it to its fullest.. i did absolutely nothing, played way too many video games, stayed up late, just acted like a complete bum.. and enjoyed every last second of it.

then monday came. video games were no longer appealing to me (and haven't been for the entire week), tv is getting dull and not entertaining me much, books lose my interest after a few short minutes.. basically, its hard to fill up a whole day with pointless, time-wasting activity. i have no commitments, no obligations, no nothing. just wake up.. find something to do to kill the day and go back to sleep. and none of it entertains me anymore. i need to get out of this apartment.

i've broken up errands into small duties.. meaning i have little errands to run each day, as opposed to getting them all done in one day. while that would feel extremely productive and make for a great day, i would then truly have absolutely nothing to do on the other days. today, i went to the post office to mail 2 documents, one an application, the other a thank you note. yesterday, i went to lsu to pick up 2 official transcripts to accompany the 3 applications i faxed from fedex kinko's to various employers (who knew faxing was so dang expensive?!)

yesterday was my first day back at lsu when school was in session and me there not as a student. actually, heck its the first time since spring testing (as a high school sr) that ive been to lsu when its in session and not been there as a student. the feeling of being finished hit me again when i was there yesterday. i saw a bunch of people walking around.. some excited to start a new semester, some still sleepy from not having re-adjusted their sleep schedules since the break. i thought of the first week enthusiasm, skepticism, and even anxiety felt for your new classes, new teachers, new faces. the pressure of seeing the syllabi, knowing what awaits you for the next 4 or so months of your life. i saw, and pictured, these thoughts on everyones faces.. and i was simply there. no anxiety over school work. no wondering what my next class will be.. whether this professor was putting on a show for the first day (whether positively or negatively).. i was simply there to handle business. i think the feeling would have been better had i had a job though.. i could have been there with no anxiety in my life whatsoever.

to return to my previous statement of "i need to get out of this apartment" also requires a look at my previous post entitled "Life Is Beautiful?" I understand that the majority of people, my friends included, work during the day. if they work at night, they sleep during the day. both of those provide no day-time relief for my symptoms (when did this turn into a dayquil commercial? hmm..) so during the day, i occupy my time with pointless nonsense (and redundancy). by night time, and i mean early night time, not this current time of night.. i am completely bored out of my mind.. seeking any sort of relief, any sort of escape from this repetitively bored state of existence. however, my friends, the ones that would hang out with me during the week, typically reside in the parish of livingston and don't have much incentive to drive out to BR just for me.. maybe i should provide more incentive.. hmm.. anyhow, so my night consists of even further boredom, leading to a great deal of ranting (as is exhibited through this post)

in closing (i know, finally! right?), i need something to do. something to occupy my time. i would love to stay busy the entire day and wonder where my free time went. at this point, it sounds like such a capital idea. people watching, eating, driving (not at the same time), catching up with old friends, anything really. heck, tennis would be nice! i need the exercise

life is beautiful?

where do i even begin? another chapter of my life has come and gone.. and looking back, i regret the fact that i didn't make the most of it.. college slipped away. it was never my priority. my GPA and lack of involvement are proof of that. i was too focused on where i had been.. instead of closing the high school chapter of my life when it should have been closed.. i tried to maintain old friendships, which made it impossible to make new ones. most of those friendships too have come and gone. that isn't to say that i haven't made any new friends in 4 and a half years, i certainly have and they've all made a lasting impact on my life. but my days at lsu were relatively lonely because i had no one there to enjoy them with. all of my friends, both old and new, either dropped out of college or never went to begin with and they all lived in livingston parish, making it hard to visit them too often. this resulted in countless nights sitting in my apartment completely alone. what if i had met people that i could share experiences with? that truly cared about me? where would my life be right now?

growing up, i always had a close circle of friends that i could rely on and even more, that i could just be myself around. i dont feel that way about most of the friends i have now.. there's only one person i really feel this way around: josh mclin. he's truly been my best friend and we've stood by each other through ups and downs, mistakes and successes. i could never even begin to thank him enough for simply being there.. but, for 4 and a half years, my life was based around trying to make and keep other people happy.. and not worrying about my own happiness or future, for that matter.

so much of me has wanted to move away now that this collegiate chapter is over.. use the opportunity to really start anew, make new friends.. do things right.. live my life the way i want to live it. but we come back to the issue currently at hand.. i have no job. if i were to be offered a good opportunity tomorrow in Botswana, I would take it. i'm willing to go anywhere. anywhere but here.

thats not to say i dont like this place. louisiana will always be home. it has a special culture to it that no other place can quite capture the way southern louisiana does. i have family and some friends here. but.. my life here has dwindled. i need a fresh start. a new place would help that, i think. or am i just trying to run from my problems?

time will eventually provide an opportunity. where? i do not know. when? i don't know that either. i know for now though, i will certainly enjoy the free time. i need it. i need time to think. and for now, i will make the most of what i do have. enjoy the life that i've lived here in louisiana my entire life. enjoy what that life has become, with all of its ups and downs. life is beautiful.